What am I up to now?

It's been a while since I've posted an update. Since the shop closed and the career change I thought I was going to be making fell through, I've been focusing on my mental health. This has been an eye-opening time. I hadn't realized how much I'd bottled up by overworking myself. It's one form of denial of past traumas. Do I sound like a therapist? Well, I've learned so much I probably do sound like one. Feel free to ask me questions in the comments. I know horse people generally like to keep their personal feelings closed up in a compartment of their brains. Honestly, the only way those feelings get released is by expressing them and sharing them out loud with a human. You can talk to your horse or your dog or our pet turtle all you want, but the real change in your health comes when you share with a person that respects you and what your dealing with.

My treatments are sacred to me. And I've really discovered who my friends really are. I've had to set boundaries - that was a tough one. I can't do everything for everyone. I had some folks in my life that I needed to let go because they were negative influences. It's even more difficult with family. I live with my elderly mom, but I can't do everything for her and have any energy of strength left for myself. It's not easy to say no to my mom, but she also needs to understand her boundaries have changed as well. Then there's the difference in social status with the rest of my family. They are in the top 1%, and I am waiting on my second disability hearing at the end of May. There were times when I was getting food from the food pantry, energy assistance, and mostly, I remember breaking down in tears at the social services office in Manchester, CT. I wasn't living at home then. I ended up selling my home as a short sale. With my father ill with dementia, how could I tell my family what I was going through? They needed my to be my dad's caretaker and help my mom make the difficult decisions families make. Of course this meant that I was putting horses in the background. I was working up to 4 jobs as well. But it was just enough to keep Tag happy and healthy. I neglected myself.

That's all in the past now. I clean and take care of the house. I help my mom with many chores, but, I draw the line at gardening. This is where my boundaries come into play. I need the energy to take care of Tag and Patsy. Tag and Patsy are financed by my mom for now. She loves them as her grandchildren. I work with the occasional horse owners at their own homes. I've found that this is the best use of my talents. I used to teach lessons at lesson facilities, but those folks aren't always fully vested in learning as much as those that own their own horses. The most important part of my life is caring for myself and my relationships with some really great people. I might not have as many friends as I used to, but the ones I do have are very dear to me.

Laura and Dennis

Patsy and Tag are headed to a friend's farm while the work on their own pasture gets completed and allow some grass to grow. I'm also hoping to get some inspiration to get physically healthier with more training with Patsy. It's understandable with all the surgeries (5 major ones in 7 years) that I've lost some muscle mass and aerobic ability. The great thing about riding for me is that It doesn't feel like work or working out. I just go into my zone and enjoy. I suppose that loss of physicality hasn't helped my mentality. Here's to 56 years of living and learning how to take care of myself. I feel very hopeful for this year. I hope you all have goals and dreams to keep your lives interesting and, most of all, full of the love of special people.